Letters dedicated to Pat, the crazy-ass building manager of my apartment

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

You Shouldn't Have!

Awww...Pat! Was it you who left this midnight gift on my doorstep? My very own imitation LG!

Miss Misunderstood

Dear Pat,

Margaret Tru-Dat here -I really should have introduced myself before. Forgive my manners. You may recognize me as the girl seen swinging from the chandelier in your lobby. Maybe you didn't pay attention...I always clean up the mess. And let me say this Pat, if I lived in your building we would be such great friends. I love composting, stickers, and all things poodle.

After seeing your beautifully penned letter to Natalie this morning ..sigh...good penmanship seems to have died...I am starting to understand you a little bit more. Like so many a landlady before you, you're just misunderstood, just tryin' to hold down the Somerset fort. In fact, you remind me of a young (yes, you're welcome) Mrs. Helen Roper , of Three's Company fame. All you want to do is paint the town red with us but you're stuck tending to the gardens, LG, the mailroom, the laundry, the garbage (people are so wasteful!). Maybe you don't have a Mr. Roper (don't fret, we'll find you one) but LG is a lot of work..."feed me Pat"..."pet me Pat"...."braid my hair Pat".I have heard through the grapevine that he can be overly demanding. Do you even have time to keep up with all of your programs? What's your favourite soap Pat? My favourite is The Young & the Restless - would you like to watch together before our next pre-drink? I won't tell if you don't tell. We can curl our hair and talk about boys and dogs.

Whadya say friend? Let's make a night of it.

Love ya home girl.


Mags x

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Pat replies!

Pat have you stolen my idea for a blog?

Dear Pat,

This morning I awoke from my slumber to find a note slipped under my door. What was this note you might be wondering??? Well none other than a reply from you!

Scrawled in your best cursive penmanship (a lost art really), I would like to share some highlights from this beaut. (I can't post a pic of the letter because a) no one would be able to decipher it and b) there's too much personal info about you and the last thing we need is the paparazzi hanging outside her door since you've become somewhat of a celebrity). Here goes:

"I cannot believe that you did not appreciate my sense of humour when I told you I was going to evict you, I did not in my wildest dreams think that you had misread my remarks- it was all in fun" you wrote.
  • Oh Pat, honestly you got me there. I had no idea you were such a jokester! Please excuse my blatantly lacking sense of humour, I'll try to hit up a couple yuk yuk's shows this weekend to brush up on what's current in the form of comic relief.
"I have not heard anything else from the neighbors who complained about you. After all, we live in the heart of downtown vancouver with lots of action so one must put up with the noise on occasion or go live in the country", you explain.
  • Patricia! I had no idea you were so metro-savvy! I mean I knew you were a scenester based on the list of "west-end hotspots" you hand typed for me when I first moved in (FYI, yes Denny's and Red Lobster made the list), but I had no idea to what extent! Maybe you could show me around the city sometime? A couple girls and I were thinking of painting the town red on Friday, maybe we could hit up TGI Fridays (keep it classy), grab a couple of root beer floats and explore Gastown??
  • I think exiling our neighbours to 'burbs is a bit extreme don't you think? Surrey can be scary and I'm a lover not a fighter.
"In the future if you hear your neighbors banging against the wall, just blow it off and bang against the wall too", you conclude.
  • Thats what she said.
Pat, I have to say that after your note, I think we might find ourselves becoming fast friends.

Your BFF,

More than friends??

"Bad LG! Bad boy!"

Dear Pat,

I can't help but wonder....are you and LG more than just roomates? I've seen those lusty looks you throw in his direction. Just askin'

p.s. a visual for you all

More friendly signs in my building...

Pat likes stickers
Pat is sick and tired of garbage!

Dear Pat,

A few more signs I noticed on my casual jaunt around the building this morning. I can tell a bit more about who you are from these signs.

1. You like gardens. And flowers. And stickers of flowers and gardens. (Who doesn't??)

2. You care about the earth. FYI you might want to get LG out into the "gardens" behind our apartment, because at our dinner (read: predrink) the other night, a couple of us noticed a family of raccoons dining out of the compost. LG needs to earn his keep.

3. You have had it up to HERE with people leaving their darned fast food containers in the junk mail bin! I mean, the nerve! Your use of exclamation points really gets the message across! Pat, I promise you, next time I walk in with my family size bucket of KFC (which I've obviously demolished by the time I walk into the front entrance of the building and encounter the mailbox) I will dispose of the bucket appropriately. You have my word.

Are empty buckets and leftover KFC gravy compostable?


Monday, April 5, 2010

Let's start over! Hi, my name is Teeny...

Dear Pat,

Miss Teeny-Wonderful here. I don't actually live in the building but I am one of the dinner (read: predrink) guests referred to in Renteroo's original letter. You probably recognize me as the girl who comes in on Saturday's for a casual magnum of Naked Grape to SHARE with a friend. In our defense, the larger the bottle, the slower the wine ages..FACT. But I digress...I thought considering you know so much about us, maybe we could get to know you? You're always welcome to come down for a glass..maaaayybe two, but if you want more, please bring your own. We don't really like to share liquor.

Listen, I can already tell we'd be good friends based on that delightful picture of you. I know the angle is a little off but I did notice you're wearing white socks, black shoes...a tribute to MJ? I LOVE HIM TOO!!! See?! Just one of the many artists we like to listen to at these casual 'dinner' parties! An embroidered NYC skyline on your tshirt? Slightly dated, but I can only imagine it's a reference to your favorite song, the recent number one hit, Empire State of Mind? That Jay Z is such a poet! Pat, we could have such a great time if you only gave us a chance. Next Saturday, leave LG at home, grab a bottle of Chardonnay and come down to the 2nd floor. We'll be kicking YOU out by 11pm you minx!

See you tres soon,
Miss Teeny-Wonderful ( if we drink enough, I'll let you know where the name comes from)


Isn't she lovely? A face only a mother could love.

Dear Pat,

I ran into you today! Did you see me? Creepily perched behind the bushes with my phone camera pointed at you?

Please excuse this grainy picture of you, it's not your best angle.

So shortly after this picture was snapped, you DID see me, and we had a lovely little conversation that went a little something like this:

Pat: "Oh. I didn't know that was YOU there"
Nat: (ignores rudeness) "Hey Pat, how are things? What's new?"
Pat: "Oh not too much. Just busy busy as usual (??). What's new with you? Staying nice and quiet, the way we like it?"
Nat: (jaw drops). Um, I guess so. See ya later Pat.

Pat, what charm school did you go to? Seriously, I'd love to know where to send my future children to brush up on their manners.


P.s. note the t-shirt underneath her afghan. I caught a glimpse of it and it's actually a NEW YORK t-shirt with an embroidered picture of the NY skyline. Her fashion sense is ahead of our time.

Sky Rockets In Flight?

"Gonna find my baby gonna hold her tight, gonna grab some afternoon delight"

Dear Pat,

Today I saw an elderly chap walking up to the 4th floor (where you live) holding a single red rose. Did you have a gentleman caller you naughty little scoundrel?

Nothing wrong, with a little afternoon delight Pat, nothing at all. Especially when he has the twinkling blue eyes of Frank Sinatra and the body of a young Clark Gable. Use protection.


Mags Got Jagger-Bombed

Dear Pat,

Maybe Margaret Trudeau wasn't crazy at all. Do you ever find yourself feeling lonely and constricted by a gentleman caller, a pesky tenant, or even LG? Poodles can be really hard on your self esteem. Margaret was a pioneer. She just wanted to kick up her heels and get on the bus! Do you identify with this?

"Pierre said I should stop wearing sexy clothes. If I don't feel like wearing a bra I don't wear one. I'd never let my nipples show at a state function though—I'd be frightened the old men would have heart attacks."

Mick Jagger hasn't had a heart attack yet. Pierre..RIP.

Pat, we can help update your wardrobe and unleash your inner Mags. Kick up your heels and let down that hair, we're leaving LG at home this weekend!

Margaret Trudeau is crazy

"I got 99 problems now YOUR bitch is one!"

Dear Pat:

Why was Margaret Trudeau so crazy?? I mean her husband was the prime minister of Canada, and apparently that just wasn't good enough so she just casually hopped on the Rolling Stones Tour Bus?? What did Mick have that Pierre didn't? (I can only assume he calls it a "beast of burden" for a reason).

That shit wouldn't fly nowadays! I mean, that would be like if Michelle Obama just peaced out on Barrack and hopped on Jay-Z's private jet.

I only ask you because you were what, like 50, 55, when the Trudeau scandal happened in the 80's?

Anyways, if you have some answers, let me know.


Shout out to Margaret Tru-Dat for this one.

Pat's Going Green

Dear Pat:
This is a letter I read today while doing some laundry. I can only assume this little gem is from you. I'd recognize your tone anywhere.

I, like you, try to be conscious of our environment, so thank you for taking the initiative to put those "wasters and litterers" in their place. You are a force to be reckoned with.

Just a question though: washers and dryers may not be afraid of the dark, but what about ironing boards???? Is LG afraid of the dark? When I hear whimpering and scurrying in the apartment above me during thunderstorms, is that you up there? Should I come up with a flashlight?

Let me know, I'd be glad to come up and help you out. I value neighborliness.


Party Time?

Dear Pat,

Next week I am going home to visit my family and friends in Toronto for a couple of weeks. But before I go, I have a shitload of work to do for school. When all my work is done on Friday (hopefully), I kinda want to throw a party at my place with all my friends for one last dance-off before I go home- cause you know- I miss my boo's when I'm gone.

On a scale of '1 to Chris Brown', how angry would you be if I had a party at my place on Friday??


p.s. collect my mail while I'm gone?

Shout out to Miss Teeny Wonderful for the CB reference.

Who is LG?

"Ruff Ruff Mothafuckas!"

Dear Pat:
Who is LG? This is what I know so far:
  • he is the small, overweight, black mini poodle that follows you around loyally
  • you say that he's not yours and that you're "dogsitting him for a friend", but everytime I've seen you in the past year and a half, he's been your constant companion. I'm kind of worried about his parents whereabouts if that's the case. (our building is not pet friendly, so technically he wouldn't be allowed to live here would he?? hmmmm. just sayyyiin')
  • he's a sneaky little fucker- alot like you actually! Everytime I go to get in the elevator, he scurries right in front of the door and lies there so that the door can't close and then the elevator starts beeping at me, and then I play this game of "kick him or don't kick him" until he moves his fat ass out of the sensor and I can close the door. I'm sure he does it on purpose.
  • LG stands for "little guy"- news flash Pat- he's not so little. The picture I posted is actually deceiving because it's not really him- but really- maybe its time to invest in some Purina Sure Slim for that lil mongrel because he looks like he's been grazing in your afternoon bowl of pork rinds while you fall asleep watching Matlock repeats.
Anyways if you could tell me a bit more about him, I'd love to get to know him better. Maybe we can all enjoy an afternoon stroll together sometime soon?


Pat's Dream Man

"I fear you underestimate the sneakiness"
Dear Pat: Remember the "sneaky, sneaky" butler from Mr. Deeds?? I feel like his sneakiness matched with Pat's love for all things spying, creeping and sneaky would be a match made in heaven. Why do birrrrrds suddenly appear, everyyytimmmeee you are nearrrr?

I'm on it Pat.

Love, Nat


Dear Pat, Detective La Toya or you in disguise?

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Something to think about....

Dear Pat,

I saw this amazing infomercial today- it was this device you could use to hear things from far away distances. Perfect for keeping tabs on your neighbors (find out who they REALLY are) or for pumping up the volume on that pesky guy who shouts out the numbers during BINGO night.

Anyways, just thinking of you.


Trip down memory lane...

"I'll fiiiinnnndddd youuuu"

Dear Pat:

Remember that time that I let my good friend stay in my apartment while I was back in Toronto for the summer, and you roamed the halls spying on him making sure he wasn't "up to no good" in my apartment? That was so sweet of you. It was also so considerate when you found it necessary to call me up at midnight (3am Toronto time) to tell me that you think he invited a friend over, and that there was a chance they were "drinking alcohol" in my apartment. Thanks so much for being such a good building manager. I can fall asleep easily at night knowing that the halls of our building are being protected.


Who is Pat?

All I know about her is that she's held the position of building manager at the apartment complex where I live since the early 70's (ironically, that was about the last time she was seen to have a gentleman caller) and she appears ninja-like behind you when you're checking your mail. How do I never hear her creeping up??

I know she enjoys 70's style Mrs.Roeper (from Three's Company) perms.

Obviously, she's single. If she had a man in her life, how would she be able to keep 24/7 tabs on all of us apartment dwellers?

Oh yeah, and Pat lies. I'll write another post later about some of her classic fibs.

One time while dropping off my maintenance fees, I noticed on her kitchen counter she had a professional set of binoculars. I am forced to conclude that PAT ALWAYS KNOWS EVERYTHING. She can't have much to do, so she just sits in front of her window, watching, judging, look at the baby look at the baby.

Another time I ran into her as she was on her way out- she said she was catching a matinee of "Paul Blart: Mall Cop" so I'm forced to believe that the saucy little minx has an OUTRAGEOUS sense of humour (sarcasm).

P.s I'm trying to get a picture of Pat, but she's an elusive motha fuckaaaaa! Spotting her is like catching a glimpse of an ivory billed woodpecker (nearly extinct). However there's a few telltale signs to watch for and they include: being followed by her tiny black poodle LG ("Little Guy"- seriously, thats it's name), turquoise stretchy pants and sweatshirts featuring scenes such as wolves howling at the moon or a simple crochet knit, a eerie feeling in the pit of your stomach that you are in the presence of a troll, gremlin, goblin or another such mythical creature of beauty. Looking at her in the face is like a contradiction. How can something be so angry and fearsome, yet so beautiful? That's Pat.

The "Dear Pat" response...

So here's the copy and pasted version of the "Dear Pat" letter. If you need clarification on the sequence of events- check out the first post on "the history of Dear Pat".

Dear, Pat:

I was a little bit confused by our conversation last week I have also been concerned about the noise issue in the building, but when you approached me, I think there may have been a more respectful way of bringing up the topic than “I thought we were going to have to evict you.” You have been a wonderful building manager and I thought we had a good enough relationship that you could have brought up the subject in a more courteous way.

A few things I’d like to bring up. As a 25 year old Masters student in Psychology who obtains a 4.0 Grade Point Average (perfect score), this is not maintained by being a “hard partyer” or any of the other titles that I’m sure others in the building have pinned on me. But as a fellow OWNER (not renter) at the Somerset, I am entitled to have visitors for dinner or at any other time of any day. This is something I do not do often, as I usually have classes on weekends and only allow myself 1 or 2 nights/month to socialize. Working as hard as I do, I value these nights off and it is very unnerving and humiliating when I am penalized for them. The fact is- even if I were having people over every night of the week, I am entitled to that right, but I CHOOSE to be respectful of myself and others by keeping late nights to a minimum.

I try very hard to be respectful of others, if I have friends over for dinner and a couple of drinks (which is maybe twice/month), I try to have everyone out of the house by 11 or 12. I have even gone so far in the past as to forewarn my neighbors with a kind note that I will be having guests and we will be gone by 11. The one other occasion when some friends who were visiting from out of town stayed later than that, the gentleman next door came by and spoke with me in person to let me know my living room shared a wall with his bedroom, and I respectfully adhered to his request to keep talking to a minimum.

The weekend that you approached me about, I received a very rude, anonymous note on Sunday morning. Saturday night I had 4 friends over for dinner and we were out of my house by midnight. I returned home later in the evening ALONE to go to sleep as I had class early the next morning. A friend who was still out called me around 3 o’clock am because she had forgotten her keys at my house from earlier in the night, she came by to pick them up and left immediately. Upon waking up Sunday morning to a knock at my door (and no one at the door) I saw a note taped to my door. It was very rude and addressed to “NEW RENTER” from “OWNER”, claiming that there had been “moaning and screaming” coming from my apartment at 3am.

This is entirely impossible and obviously some mistake was made:

o nNo one but me was at my house at 3am on Saturday (unless they heard my friend come by to pick up keys)

o eEven if I did have an overnight visitor with me, I am entitled to do so. No explanations required.

o aA respectful, face-to-face conversation would have cleared up the issue much more maturely than running away after knocking and taping a note to the door.

A taped note to the door is humiliating and disrespectful as it is visible for passersby to read

I have lived in this building for over one year, and I consistently hear the noises of those who live above, below and beside me. I have never, EVER made a noise complaint, because I understand that we live in an old building, with thin walls, and people cannot change their everyday living habits to accommodate everyone else. I expect the same respect and understanding.

For instance:

-individuals who live above me are VERY heavy footed, run around the house, often yell and scream profanities and stomp around at all hours of the night

-individuals below me: I can hear them talking, yelling, opening and closing their windows, and also on one occasion hiring a jack-hammer crew to do repairs on their balcony at 7am on a Sunday morning

-individuals beside me like to sing very loudly and yell at each other from different rooms of the apartment- noise which carries into my apartment

Have you ever heard me complain about any of these things? NO. That is because I understand that we cannot all be accommodated.

I also find it cowardly that these individuals chose to bring up the matter with you rather than with me.

Perhaps if individuals are having issues, they should have found a house, or a modern building with thicker walls. Living here is their choice.

I am not an unreasonable person and consider myself kind and understanding. I would always and unquestionably help out a neighbor in need at anytime. I value neighborliness. If future incidents arise, individuals should contact me directly, face-to-face.

I have been experiencing a great deal of stress and anxiety over this situation as I hate to think I am a cause of concern for others, however, I have to stand up for myself as there are always two sides to every story, and I feel as if I am targeted because I am one of the younger residents.

I will not stop socializing, or inviting friends into my home. I will continue to be respectful and have people out by 11 or 12. And if I do have an overnight visitor someday, neighbors will have to deal with that in the same way I deal with the sounds of other couples above, below and beside me. I will not continue to allow myself to be targeted because I am a young, single female.

The fact is we all share this building, so I would appreciate the message to be passed on to others that we should be able to co-exist maturely, respectfully and hopefully, in a friendly manner. We all know that walls are thin, this is just the way things are at the Somerset and there is nothing we can do about that. I invite others to think about that fact, as well as their own actions, before they come down so harshly on others.

Please do not hesitate to contact me regarding this issue. Also, feel free to forward this letter to those with concerns. Thank you, and I appreciate your consideration.

Note: I will DEFINITELY be writing a post about some of the falsifications of myself in this note at another time. Little white lies really.

The note that started it all

So here's the note that started it all....
Lets have a quick breakdown of a few points here. First of all, the note was left on my door anonymously, then the culprit knocked on my door and ran away "nicky nicky nine door" styles.
In the words of Stephanie Tanner..."HOW RUDE!"

Secondly, I WISH there was moaning and screaming happening at 3am. I was in bed, ALONE, in my flannel jammies fast asleep at 3am. If I had been making sexy time, do you think I'd be disgruntled enough to write an angry open-ended letter to Pat? No. Getting laid is natures Prozac, and lets just say I haven't been getting my perscription filled.

Third, note how the letter is addressed to Renter (I own by the way) and followed by open dots, which make it look like whoever wrote it is addressing it to Renteroo. Hence the nickname. When I first read it I thought it was going to be friendly, like Ned Flanders style "Heya there renterooni, just wanted to say thanks for being a great neighbor, okely dokely!" Not the case. All in all WTF!?

The History of Dear Pat...

Hello Readers,

Just wanted to give you a bit of insight into why "Dear Pat" was started.

"Renteroo" is the name given to blogger Nat in a condascending note left on her door by an anonymous neighbor after a night of socializing with some friends in her apartment, apparently a little on the noisy side. The next day Nat was approached by the building manager "Pat" who snottily commented "thought we might have had to evict you after last night's shenanigans."

What followed this altercation was an open ended letter from Renteroo to Pat. Finally, Renteroo grew a set and set the record straight about the noise complaints and the bitchy neighbors.

Renteroo lives in an old building with thin walls and is one of the only twentysomethings in what is essentially a retirement home.

At a recent predrink, the "Dear Pat" letter was found by renteroo's friends who all had their two cents to chip in.

"Dear Pat" has become a forum for expressing pretty much anything of comedic value to the mysterious Pat, who hasn't been seen by Renteroo since "the incident". Stay tuned for the posting of the original "Dear Pat" letter.