Letters dedicated to Pat, the crazy-ass building manager of my apartment

Monday, April 5, 2010

Who is LG?

"Ruff Ruff Mothafuckas!"

Dear Pat:
Who is LG? This is what I know so far:
  • he is the small, overweight, black mini poodle that follows you around loyally
  • you say that he's not yours and that you're "dogsitting him for a friend", but everytime I've seen you in the past year and a half, he's been your constant companion. I'm kind of worried about his parents whereabouts if that's the case. (our building is not pet friendly, so technically he wouldn't be allowed to live here would he?? hmmmm. just sayyyiin')
  • he's a sneaky little fucker- alot like you actually! Everytime I go to get in the elevator, he scurries right in front of the door and lies there so that the door can't close and then the elevator starts beeping at me, and then I play this game of "kick him or don't kick him" until he moves his fat ass out of the sensor and I can close the door. I'm sure he does it on purpose.
  • LG stands for "little guy"- news flash Pat- he's not so little. The picture I posted is actually deceiving because it's not really him- but really- maybe its time to invest in some Purina Sure Slim for that lil mongrel because he looks like he's been grazing in your afternoon bowl of pork rinds while you fall asleep watching Matlock repeats.
Anyways if you could tell me a bit more about him, I'd love to get to know him better. Maybe we can all enjoy an afternoon stroll together sometime soon?


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